


England's Kitchen.

by kappa11



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: England sucks at cooking., Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-01
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,531
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26755642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kappa11/pseuds/kappa11
Summary: We all know what happens when England steps into a kitchen..... all hell break's loose.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	England's Kitchen.

It was beautiful, not a single cloud in the sky the birds chirping and singing their songs. It was a picture perfect day.

That was until the faint sound of screams and the smell of someone who was emptying their stomach filled the air.

The sun was shining as England enjoyed a nice cup of tea, it was safe to say that the British man was enjoying himself quite a bit. That was before that stupid American and the bloody frog came over. In contrast to how he was before he was tired, annoyed, and bloody pissed.  
America was talking non stop, he just continued on and on. All England could make out was as followed.

"Bad guys, DUDE, big mac, good guys, and of course I'M THE HERO!"   
While France boasted about himself and did his usual perverted acts. England swore.

"WHY THE BLOODY HELL ARE YOU TWO HERE!!!"

"Angleterre~ if you look past the beautiful moi, and that pig in the corner you would see that there are four people In the room." France replied in a obnoxious manner flicking his hair back.

"DUDE! That's really rude!..... Wait, your right my bro Canadia is here!"

..................."My names Canada.." A barely audible whisper replied though nobody seems to hear.

"Oh, sorry... Canadia was it? I didn't seem to notice you." Suddenly a figure that looks to be semi transparent was now seated at the table, on the previously empty chair.

"Eh, its oka-" 

"HEY IGGY!! The snacks are gone!"

"HOW MANY TIME'S DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU? DON'T CALL ME IGGY, YOU INSUFFERABLE TWAT! -and yes America I will get the snacks." England then got up, pushing in his chair in a little to hard. And slamming the door the shut behind him. Not even caring to look back.

"Geez I thought the guy would be nicer to his guests."

"I don't think he can even show hospitality In this wreck of a home. Unlike my home that captures the essence of my beauty- well I guess you could say the same thing about Angleterres, Just in a different way."

"Ah is it just me or do you smell something burning." A small whisper said. 

Those poor souls if they had just listened to Canadia they would have escaped DEATH.

As foot steps hit the ground fast, hurried, and loud. Frustration seeping out of his very figure. Like steam rising off a kettle. England was annoyed and irritated, he would think after all this time it wouldn't faze him. But he guessed he was wrong. When he got to the kitchen he searched the pantry for snacks, not finding any. (Extremely unfortunate for the people in the other room). Well, England thought to himself

"If there are no snacks I will just have to make my own!"

Finishing his thought out loud right before closing the pantry doors shut with a BAM. A smirk slithering across his face, prior to him ransacking his very own kitchen In search of adequate ingredients. Not a cupboard spared. 

For what you may ask? Poison biscuits not cookies America! 

Tightening his apron, in front of him was the conventional flour, sugar, and- DURIAN! Why would England have a durian you may ask, well Hong Kong gave him one and, why put it to waste? Oh and how could I forget the whiskey.

"Its all about feel, right?" Taking the bag of flour and dumping all of it In a bowl, a plume of it getting into England's face. After a small coughing fit he proceeded to create poison biscuits. 

"SH*T! This is bloody hard to cut, spiky and smelly to! Ah, well it will give it some texture."

"Is this too much? No lets just put more."

"How do you do this? Lets just chop it"

"Gradually mix till fully incorporated....." "Screw that! Lets just mix it faster."

"Am I supposed to put this one after that one, or this after that?.."

Several other excruciating minutes later...

"Heh, now all I have to do is put it in the oven at 355 and for 15-20 minutes. Rubbing his hands together, that satisfactory grin still plastered to his face. "That frog won't ever dare to mock me again after he eats this!" 

He won't mock you for a few months no doubt, but the reason won't be what your thinking England. Ah, those poor souls.

China was doing what he normally does. Building a china town of course! When he finished, and was eating his noodles, he got the feeling something wasn't right. Then he realized something.

"Aiya! The house is facing north!" That wasn't good. In fact all the houses were facing north. He looked down at his noodles hoping to put his mind off things. Lowering his head he saw they were all perfectly cut in the middle. "OH NO!" China screamed, noticing this he was about to screech, call for his chef. Whipping himself around In panic, before stopping after seeing a little boy.

"Hello mister, do you need anything?" 

"Yes, do you know were the chef is?" China replied desperately trying to sound calm.

"No mister"

while china was looking at the boy he saw a turtle. His blood running cold.

"Is that your pet?"

"Yes mister, it is"

China stared at the boy incredulously, did this boy not know that keeping a turtle as a pet was bad luck? But it got worse, he then saw It was not one turtle but four.

DEATH.

At that moment China knew that something very, very bad was going to happen. 

If only he knew, if only he knew..

England opened the door, carrying the poison biscuits in one hand.

"COOKIES!!!"

"NOT cookies America, BISCUITS. How many times do I have to tell you!"

Canada was about to ask what had been burning, but America's voice was just too loud. 

"Are these chocolate chips?" America asked, but before England could say anything. They all took a bite.

France's eyes immediately widened. A hand flying to his mouth a queasy expression all over his face. Slowly he asked internally dreading the answer.

"Angleterre, were you the one who made these?"

"I did, what does that matter to you frog. There bloody amazing right!"

"............................................................................"

Everyone went silent, a wave of dread filling the room. Americas eyes widened In sudden realization and fear. He had just stuffed five in his mouth. That was when the smell of vomit and the sound of blood curdling screams filled the air. 

France was convulsing on the floor, a small trail of bile running down his mouth the screams of a dead man emanating off of him. His eyes rolling back inside his head. Canada was no better, it was so bad you could see him. His body was ramming his head repeatedly against the wall. Mumbling under his breath like a mantra. Over and over again,

"its just a fu*cking dream, Its alright you'll wake up."

America had already left the room, saying something about a "strategical retreat." Making a bee line to the washroom loudly proclaiming his sudden lose of stomach fluids. The door slamming so hard the impact of it made a large crack run down the door. America's body still hanging on the toilet. He shakily grabbed his phone, punching in a number. China's number. If anyone knew some sort of cure to whatever had befallen them, it would be him. The sound of ringing started filling the washroom. Americas vision blurring in and out as he managed to rasp out a single word before passing out.   
"Help......"

China picked up his phone, seeing It was America he sighed.  
"What is it now, aru."

No response.

China was starting to freak out, fearing this had something to do with all the bad omens from before. He spoke again this time, fear lacing his voice.  
"Hello.."

"......"  
"Help......"

His stomach dropped, flipped over and did a back flip. "SH*T! I'll be right there, where are you!?"

"......."

China then rubbed his temples before dialing a new number. "Boss, I need a ticket to America, and fast."

China had just opened the door to one of Americas many houses. Already on his fifth he was getting fed up and frustrated. until this happened.

"What...HAPPENED HERE!!"

"AH Yao! What the heck!" 

"Come here you! I thought you never got drunk!" Grabbing Hong Kong by the ear before throwing him in front of him. China's eyes glaring holes into his head. The scene was enough to give any parent a heart attack. The pool table was broken in half, plastic cups taking residence on every spot on the floor. The ceiling littered with plastic streamers and confetti, and among the carnage was the sprawled figure of Hong Kong on the ground. A pile of vomit beside him. 

"China, its okay nothing happened."

"NOTHING HAPPENED, NOTHING HAPPENED ARE YOU SERIOUS!! I swear I raised you better than this, its all England's fault." Saying the last part under his breath, china was utterly furious. He was ready to rip his hair out, but first he had business to attend to. "Hong Kong, I will be needing a talk with you after this. Do you know where America is?" Rubbing his temples in a futile attempt at calming himself.

"Said he will be going to England's house." Finally picking himself up to stand thankfully fully dressed. His clothes were disheveled and his hair a utter mess. Combing his hair with his hand trying to at least fix it up before looking china in the eyes. "Why, something happened?"

"WHAT!? HES WITH THAT OPIUM BASTARD!! WHY?!"

"Chill, anyways he said something about checking up on his buddy. And why are you here?"

"Just shut up and come with me, I think he got himself killed again."

"America?"

"Yes."

"So..your gonna be paying the travel expenses right?"

"Yes..."

They were at the door of England's place. China knocked on the door, no response. He knocked again, nothing. China took a deep breath before he glanced at Hong Kong then back at the door. There was a moment of tense silence before China spoke. In a terrifyingly calm voice, and a smile on his face he said a single word that dripped with venom.

"Move"

"What-" But before Hong Kong could ask why, there were already chunks of wood flying everywhere. 

Just like one of China's martial art movies he ripped out a- WOK! And why a ladle?! And completely decimated the poor wooden door while sending a crane kick to England's face, (Unintentionally).

"What the heck are you doing there aru!!"

"I should ask you the same thing you twit!"

"Show respect to your elders opium bastard!"

A loud SMACK was heard though out the room right before a equally loud screech was heard. After the totally not one sided brawl, China observed the room. With each observation his face grew pale. Still holding onto a unconscious England's hair, foam clear on his mouth. After that England finally awoke from his trauma induced coma. Sputtering slightly before picking himself up and straightening his suit. 

"China, why are you here and would you like a biscuit?" 

Holding out the plate of poison, England desperately trying to be civil. Tick marks clear on his face. Not paying attention what so ever to what England had just said. China pushed England aside, before crouching down and observing Frances convulsing figure. Speaking to no one in particular China asked, "Wheres America?"

While all this was happening Hong Kong took a biscuit biting into it before instantly regretting his decision. 

"So, Hong Kong how do you like it? I used that fruit you gave me last Saturday. Durian was it?" 

Hong Kong's face taking on a familiar green hue. Before looking at England like he was a madman and dashing towards the washroom. Banging on the door to be let in screaming profanity's such as, FUCK!! and LET ME IN YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!! 

"A LITTLE OCCUPIED EXCUSE ME WAIT YOUR DAMN TURN!!"

"LIKE I CARE YOU SELF ABSORBED YANKEE!!!"

"Ah, so it was food poisoning." China concluded standing up. Don't worry I have this special Chinese medicine, and if you buy a pack i'll give you ten percent discount!! Disclaimer I don't know its contents and i'm not responsible if anything occurs!!"

France apparently not hearing the disclaimer grabbed the suspicious package and downed all its contents. Seeing it his last chance to escape the utter hell he was experiencing.

Thank goodness the medicine China brought did not kill them more than England's cooking. When France, America, Canada, and Hong Kong were feeling better. And China thankfully convinced England to smash up the "biscuits" BURN them to ashes, throw them into a bag, then chuck them into the ocean. Where they will NEVER be seen of nor heard of ever again. 

They were all siting in England's living room. America was holding a bucket in case he decided to empty his stomach again. France was- 

No, everybody that was poisoned by England was staring at America's bucket. A sense of longing clear in their eyes, France just couldn't take it anymore and snatched Americas bucket. Holding it to his chest as if to say, i'll never give it to you mother fucking bastards. 

"France hand over the bucket." England said in a steady voice just tip toeing the cliff of complete and utter annoyance. (Also bordering insanity). 

"NO!'

"France-

"NO!!!!"

"Give it to me-

"NEVER!!!"

Running off with the accursed bucket, while acting like a six year old through the entire process. England portraying the mom character that was completely and utterly DONE. While this was happening China facepalmed, "aiya! Western nations are so immature." 

"EXCUSE me but I for one can be VERY mature when I want to, unlike some people."

"America, you have absolutely no right to say that you immature brat."

"YOU WANNA FIGHT BRO!! Come at me!!"

"And my point is prove-

America roared and charged at England knocking him over and ensuing the second brawl to happen in the entire span of only a couple of hours. Crawling away from the carnage England got up feeling as if this had occurred before, not quite remembering where. Spotting the last remaining SURVIVOR of the biscuits he had baked he walked over, picked it up and was about to eat it but was stopped by a quivering finger pointing directly at his face. England raising a enormous eyebrow in response.

"I-is that a b-biscuit." A small voice said coming from none other than the personification of THE maple itself. 

"Yes, why?" 

The room went deathly silent. England took a bite. France actually went out to buy flowers for England's dead corpse. America started weeping saying he died too young. While China started a traditional Chinese burial service. Hong Kong started aggressively scrolling his phone for tips on what to do when your friend dies. Finding none. And Canada was trying and failing to keep his shit together. England surprised at this development tried to calm his fellow nations down.

"Everyone i'm fine, it wasn't even that bad."

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!"

**Author's Note:**

> Hello dear readers. These are just some notes if you didn't get some of the references here. And sorry if any characters were OOC. 
> 
> Angleterre- England In french
> 
> Moi- me in french
> 
> Twat- a obnoxious person or a women's genitals in English slang
> 
> Twit- English slang for a silly or stupid person
> 
> Opium bastard. China calls England this because of the Opium wars in 1839-1860
> 
> Iggy. Most people know this already and it is a play on the word igirisu, which means England in Japanese
> 
> Houses facing north. Is a bad omen in china, it is believed that it brings bad fortune to the person or family living there.  
> Cut noodles. It is a superstition in china that uncut noodles in soup will bring longevity. So to cut them would cut the longevity.
> 
> Pet turtles.( If you have one it's fine, Don't take it seriously. It's just superstition.) It is said that having a turtle as a pet would slow down and or ruin a person's business and fortune.
> 
> The number 4. The number four is called a unlucky number because it has a similar pronunciation with the word death in Chinese.
> 
> Well hope you liked this fanfiction. Have a good day/night.
> 
> :)


End file.
